As pundits discuss how exactly United States Special Forces determined the location of Osama bin Laden, Planet Waves has learned that the data was found in WikiLeaks.
“Yep, I was just messing around in Google. I typed in, ‘Where the fuck is bin Laden?’ and clicked I’m Feeling Lucky. I wound up in the middle of WikiLeaks,” said Robert Gates, the outgoing defense secretary. “I was at the office late cleaning out my desk,” he added.
Bin Laden’s location was listed under the Afghanistan War files that caused so much controversy last year. “There was a lot of cool stuff in there, but I phoned this right in,” he said. Gates also said he found a traditional tribal recipe for curried goat on the next page. “That’s one really weird website,” he added.
Julian Assange, reached in a voluntary security jail in Sweden, said, “Kiss my arse. I told you there was some useful stuff in there.”
In other news, Barack Obama’s speech Sunday night announcing that bin Laden had been killed was actually staged by the Yes Men, in their most elaborate prank ever. Yes Man Mike Bonanno made an Obama mask out of paper maché, which was worn by Andy Bichlbaum for the speech, given in the White House East Room
“We just strolled in, looking real casual,” Bichlbaum said. “If you look like Obama, they wave you along.” They also gave them a podium, refreshments and ordered network television coverage at 11 pm on a Sunday.
“We’re getting good at this,” Bonanno said.
Out in the streets of America, pro-war protesters sang old Etruscan songs on tyranny.