Dear Mr. Drumpf,
You may not be aware of this, just as you don’t know the components of the nuclear triad; but April Fools’ Day, a.k.a. All Fools’ Day, is a most sacred tradition, dating back to the medieval era and one Geoffrey Chaucer. (You probably don’t know old Geoff, but he’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more.)
Banning this incredibly important practice would be a new low for you, lower even than your approval ratings. You have already caused dreadful harm to the environment, not to mention Muslims, Native Americans, Latinos, transgender folks…basically anyone who is not straight, white, able and male. (Oh, and some straight white guys, too. Nice job with the Meals on Wheels. That’s boss-level betrayal right there.) But this…this must be where we draw a line in the sand and call it a wall.
For April Fools’ Day is a fundamental liberty, equal to the First Amendment in its…oh wait, you’ve gone after that too…equal to the Second Amendment in its significance. We must protect the right of pranksters everywhere to play their innocent and hysterically funny tricks on unwitting members of the populace. In fact, I would suggest it is unconstitutional not to laugh at them, though some might think I go too far.
You may, so to speak, be rushin’ to plunder the nation of which you are, inexplicably, still in charge; you may be all for puttin’ down all people who are…not you; but you will not trample on the rights of Comic-Americans. The Save April Fools’ Day campaign will not suffer your ban gladly.
We urge all our fellow jesters for justice to sign the petition and raise awareness of this issue through use of the hashtag #WeAreAllFools. We will not rest until this ban is reversed, and this great land is enshrined as the Fools’ paradise it was created for.
Mr. Drumpf, I would remind you that the noble institution of April Fools’ Day was attacked previously once before by your friend and poncho enthusiast Dubya Bush. But we Fooled him once, and we can Fool you again.
Shame on you!