APRIL 1, 2017 — IF TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY — You will conquer nations, even continents. In fact, you may eventually branch out to other planets. Yet you must mind your Ps and Qs. Do yourself a huge favor and stay off the phone with Russia. You have more influence than you think, which means you never know whether some 14-year-old with his brother’s old PC is watching your every text message and Google search. You share a birthday with the internal combustion engine, Rachel Maddow, Michael Francis, and the creation of the “$” symbol. That is just crazy.
ARIES — If you’re like most Aries people, you study warfare. After all, your ruling planet is named for the god of war. You’ve read all about the Battle at Blakely, Operation Iskra, the Siege of Lille, and even the Bay of Fundy Campaign, which happened really fast. However, you need to pay more attention to diplomacy.
TAURUS — Harry S. Truman was born under your birth sign, which is why he’s had such a lasting reputation as one of the greatest presidents ever. But do you know what his middle initial stood for? Was it Samuel, Sebastian, Simon, Solomon, Steven, Scott, Shane, Santiago, Stan or Skeet? Anyway, today is your lucky day.
GEMINI — Mercury goes retrograde all the damned time, which explains why you’re so weird. Look, at least you have an explanation. That’s more than most people can say. Now, we need you and all your unique qualities to pay a visit to 1600 and talk to POTUS, who is also a Gemini, in a language he can understand. If anyone can explain things to him, you can.
CANCER — You’re a real sap for equal rights, animal rights, the underprivileged, the under-rated and people with lousy taste. But you really need to stand up for clean coal, nuclear power, fracking, rogue cops, hedge funds and Mayor DiBlasio. Okay?
LEO — Leo is the sign of kings. And here in the United States, every man is a king and every woman is a queen. You have a regal quality and are well suited to lead a nation. However, today, you need to pick up the dry cleaning, take the cat in for a checkup and get to the parent-teacher conference on time for a change.
VIRGO — You of all people know that the details matter, but today is just not the day. You have too much on your mind, for example, Best Hospitals, Best Colleges, Best States, Best Business Programs and Best Tennis Clubs in Connecticut. Actually, you should really go back to worrying about whether the squirrels are chewing the wires in your attic. That would not be cool.
LIBRA — If the International Monetary Fund offers to build a water treatment facility in your backyard, you should be suspicious. Very, very suspicious. Tell them politely that you’re fine with city water for showers and your reverse osmosis machine for cooking and the rest, and that you’re finally paying off your MBA.
SCORPIO — Scorpio is the sign of clandestine activity. I know that because I can tell from your browsing history that half of your web visits are to the Spy Shop. That, and I can see that you’ve dressed up for Halloween as James Bond, Sir William Stephenson, J. Edgar Hoover and Nancy Drew. But tell me this. Why do you sneak out of the house to go bowling?
SAGITTARIUS — We don’t know whether Michael Flynn is a Sagittarius or a Capricorn. And frankly, that’s not the only thing we don’t know about him. You would think that certain people, such as his former employer, would have done a little more vetting of his birth certificate. Since yours is the sign of long distance travel, please go to Hawaii and pay a visit to the Vital Records Bureau.
CAPRICORN — Investors have given billionaire hedge fund manager David Einhorn’s plan to boost General Motors Co’s value a frosty reception, which should concern you greatly. A whopping 53 out of 61 investors surveyed said this is just a terrible plan. What was he thinking? Sad to say, not all billionaires are clever. Now it’s your turn to come up with a plan to recapitalize the company.
AQUARIUS — It must suck being a such a groovy person, skipping around singing about harmony and understanding, while the whole planet is having an unmitigated epidemic of mean people taking charge of everything including the local Brownie troop. Fortunately, the Age of Aquarius begins Tuesday.
PISCES — Church lore tells us that Jesus was a Capricorn, but all astrologers know that he was a Pisces. Similarly, David Lawrence, the founder of our esteemed publication, was allegedly born on Dec. 25 (of 1888). Can you see the pattern starting to form? Commit yourself today to saving the world by keeping it informed with balanced viewpoints and thorough information. Then you too can win the Presidential Medal of Freedom.